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Q: What did the polar bear say to itself when the hunter was shooting at it?

Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)

Q: What did the polar bear say to itself when the hunter was shooting at it?
A: “Hey! He’s SHOOTING at me! Do I know this guy? Think! Think!”

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During an auction of exotic pets, a

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, “I’m paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does.”

“I guarantee it, madam,” replied the auctioneer. “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

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One day Mongo is in his back

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
him there, decides to investigate.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked. Mongo replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying
him.”
“That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?” asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, “That’s because he’s inside your fuckin’ cat!’

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Q: What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

Q: What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously?
A: A receding hareline.

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Remember!

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

* Always lick after meals!

* Learn the difference between idleness and repose – one wastes time the other luxuriates in it.

* The three great lies of Life are:

1. The cheque is in the post.
2. All I want is one kiss.
3. It’ll be alright, just get in the travelling basket.

* Long naps never go out of fashion.

* Just say no to catnip!

* Let sleeping dogs lie – literally!

* Get your booster shots every year.

* Get to know every view from every window in your home.

* Begin each day with a long hard stretch.

* Treat yourself to a nap in the sock drawer once in a while.

* Own nothing and be owned by no one.

* Never be discouraged by the words No, Stop That or Bad Cat.

* Never purr half-heartedly.

* Don’t worry about little things.

* Don’t worry about big things.

* See how long that toilet paper around the roll really is.

* Miaow and the world Miaows with you, hiss and you hiss alone.

* Keep everybody’s secrets.

* Make friends with the milkman.

* Play and sleep in cardboard boxes.

* Help with making the bed.

* Help with making dinner.

* Regard all neatly stacked piles of paper as provocation.

* Don’t cry over spilt milk – lap it up instead.

* Make the world your scratching post.

* Never sleep alone!

and finally…

* Become someone’s friend for life.

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A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees.
One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is ” Hey bitch how much for a handjob”. She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door.
The next night, our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,”I’ll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father.
Well our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer.
After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger.
“Have you learned your lesson?”, he sternly said.
All the parrot can say is “I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?

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Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?

Read all jokes from:Animals (+5200)

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?

A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

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A Second Opinion

Read all jokes from:Dog (+335), Veterinarian (+12)

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few Moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man…
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”

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