Read all jokes from: College (+414), Monkey (+37)
A guy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. “Hmmmm,” he wonders, “how am I gonna get more cash?” Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.
“Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! They actually have a program here that teaches sock monkeys to talk!”
“Why that’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get one in that program?”
“Just send me a sock monkey with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.” So his father sends a sock monkey and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.
“So how’s the sock monkey doing, son?” his father asks. “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – now they have a program here that will teach a sock monkey to READ!”
“READ!” says his father, “That’s amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the sock monkey can’t read or talk. So he shoots the sock monkey. When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s the sock monkey? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some bad news. This morning when I got out of the shower, the sock monkey was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the Tribune, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked ‘So, is your father still messin’ around with that blonde that lives over on Lake Shore Drive?’”
His father says “I hope you SHOT that lyin’ sack of trash!”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Monkey (+37), Sex (+4816)
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says “I’ll show you” and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker head. When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
“See that” said the trucker.
The man said “Yeah”.
The trucker ask the man “You want to try it?”
The man said “OK, but don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”
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Read all jokes from: Monkey (+37), Science (+105)
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orang-utang was reading
two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”?
“Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s
keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Lists (+730), Monkey (+37)
16 Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR’s early space program.
15 National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President’s relatives with typewriters.
14 Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!
13 “Organ grinding” no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.
12 First President in diapers since the Reagan years.
11 Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.
10 Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.
9 N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, “Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”
8 Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe- taking at twice the speed of current administration.
7 New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
6 State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung- tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.
5 President’s IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh’s.
4 To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.
3 “No, Ms. Embry, you can’t spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!”
2 During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson’s toupee. and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey…
1 On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means “yes.” Loud raspberry means “no.”
26 views |
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Monkey (+37)
Once upon a time, there lived a poor cap seller in a small village in India. He earned his livelihood stiching caps and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the caps missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his caps. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his caps. He lifted the cap on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their apeing habits the monkeys followed suit. The cap seller, then collected all the caps and triumphantly proceeded to the market.
As the years pass by, the cap seller has a grandson who too ends up being a cap seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell caps in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa’s trick if the monkeys cause any trouble. So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the caps gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the caps. Smiling to himself he says, “Aha! I know how to deal with this. I’ll use my grandpa’s trick!”
So he hurls his cap to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young capless monkey sitting in the tree. This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson’s cap and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically “HA, HA! So, did you think that only you humans have a grandpa?”
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Read all jokes from: Monkey (+37), Science (+105)
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orang-utang was reading
two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.
In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”?
“Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s
keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
30 views |
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Monkey (+37), Policemen (+247)
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I
wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.
74 views |
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Read all jokes from: Monkey (+37)
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta’ dropped dead. Kinda’ like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn’t want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn’t take that one either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
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Read all jokes from: Monkey (+37)
A man was driving down the highway in his pick-up truck and there was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road. Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. “You need a lift?” he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again.
At this time, there was a state trooper cruising down in the opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo immediately. The man agreed and was off.
The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, “I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo.”
“I did,” replied the man, “and we had so much fun that today we’re going to Sea World!”
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Read all jokes from: Animals (+5201), Hunting (+66), Monkey (+37)
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he
finds one.
“Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?” the service guy asks.
“Boy,” is the man’s response.
“Oh yeah, I can do it. I’ll be right there,” says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua,
a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: “Now, I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla
with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then cross
his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.”
The man asks, “What do I do with the shotgun?”
The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.”
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