Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
* Remove film from box and load camera.
* Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
* Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
* Choose a suitable background for photo.
* Mount camera on tripod and focus.
* Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
* Place puppy in pre- focused spot and return to camera.
* Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
* Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
* Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
* Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
* Put magazines back on coffee table.
* Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
* Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
* Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
* Clean up mess.
* Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” soon.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
* If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it’s probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
* If the dog’s fur looks like it’s been rubbed the wrong way, it’s probably windy.
* If the dog has snow on his back, it’s probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The CAT
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Read all jokes from: Christmas (+1021), Dog (+335)
(to the tune of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”)
Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
What a doggie holiday
Just doin’ what comes naturally
Even though it’s Christmas Day
Markin’ around The Christmas Tree
Gotta squirt each present twice
Spreading our scent on all this stuff
It’s a doggie paradise
There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn
(but remember)
Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic
Hey – come on – it’s nothing drastic
Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We just do what boydogs do
Doin our duty gracefully
And we’ll share our loot with you
Markin’ around the Christmas tree
All precautions were in vain
We must own everything we see
So we stake our doggie claim
Markin’ around the Christmas tree
We don’t see the problem here
But if we’re caught we know that we
Will be dragged off by the ear
People shout and tell us we are evil little curs
(but remember)
We’re not trying to be snotty
YOU installed this indoor potty
Markin’ around the Christmas Tree
Gonna check our list off twice
When Santa visits, we know he
Can just sniff out who is NICE!
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
* There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.
* The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.
* The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
* The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
* That telltale lemon slice in the new silver waterbowl.
* You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
* Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
* A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.
* Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted sweater with matching boots.
* The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
* Have a torrid one- night stand with a street mutt.
* Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.
* I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
* Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
* Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask- wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
* Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
* Always scoot before licking.
* Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
* January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re- live victory over the sock.
* I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
(To the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)
jingle, tingle, jingle, tingle, jingle tingle,
oh…
Just hear those dog tags jingling
Ring ting tingling too
Come on it’s lovely weather
For A walkie together with you
Oh it’s just like Iditarod
Pulling you on the ice
We’ve got the leashes in our mouths
We’re not gonna ask twice
Giddy- yup giddy- yup, giddy- yup let’s go
We’ll eat all the snow
We’ll drag you around till your cheeks glow
Giddy- yup giddy- yup, giddy- yup it’s grand
Tugging at your hand
We’re galloping after the scent of a doggie parade that’s grand
The other dogs are out there now
Making tracks in the snow
All the best smells are fading fast
To the park we must go
So grab that leash and hurry up
Anxious doggies are we
We’re loaded up with water
So we can mark every tree!
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
* Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
* Cats look silly on a leash.
* When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
* Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.
* A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
* Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
* When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.
* Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
* Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.
* Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5689)
* Dogs love it when your friends come over.
* Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.
* Dogs think you sing great.
* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
* Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.
* Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
* Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
* Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
* Dogs love red meat.
* Anyone can get a good looking dog.
* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
* Dogs don’t shop.
* Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
* A dog’s disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.
* Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
* A dog’s parents never visit.
* Dogs love long car trips.
* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
* Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.
* Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
* No dog ever bought Kenny G, Cher, or Barbra Streisand albums.
* No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
* Dogs never criticize.
* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
* Dogs never expect gifts.
* Dogs don’t worry about germs.
* Dogs don’t care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.
* Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.
* Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.
* Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
* You never have to wait for a dog. They’re always ready to go.
* Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
* Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.
* Dogs aren’t catty.
* Dogs seldom outlive you.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5689)
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
* Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
* Dogs understand what “no” means.
* Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
* Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* You can train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Middle- aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone…
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back …
“Good morning, Mr. Williams… Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”
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