Why is it… that when you blow in your dog’s face, it gets mad – but when you take it for a ride in the truck, it sticks its head out the window?
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Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
Why is it… that when you blow in your dog’s face, it gets mad – but when you take it for a ride in the truck, it sticks its head out the window?
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
I love my master; I lie belly- up Today I sniffed I sound the alarm! I sound the alarm! I lift my leg and How do I love thee? My human is home! I hate my choke chain. Sleeping here, my chin Look in my eyes and The cat is not all Dig under fence – why? I am your best friend, You may call them fleas, My owners’ mood is
Read all jokes from:Cat (+695), Dog (+335)
CAT: 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat’s throat. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little *$#’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. DOG: 1. Wrap pill in bacon, cheese, or peanut butter; make him beg.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Religious (+827)
Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God, Dear God,
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335), HR (+462)
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T- Square, do your stuff.” T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was astounding. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation, and went home on sick leave.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?” The dog answers “ROOF.” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying!” The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else.” The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?” The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH.” With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio?”
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
A man was draining the old gasoline from his lawn mower.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day. 9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room. 8. Ice floating in toilet water. 7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep. 6. Friends swear they’ve seen your car at the local meat- processing plant. 5. You can never find the leftovers. 4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel. 3. The dog doesn’t lick itself anymore… now it’s the cat’s job. 2. Mensa mailings addressed to “Rover.” 1. Your apartment keys no longer work.
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail. A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked. The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”
Read all jokes from:Dog (+335)
Jon takes his dog for A walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar. “Whose dog is tied up out front?” Jon responds, “That’s my dog. Is there a problem officer?” “Well she’s in heat,” says the cop. “Oh, she’ll be all right. It’s shady out there.” “That’s not what I mean. Your dog needs bred.” “I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She’s fine.” At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. “Listen fellow. You don’t seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.” “Go right ahead officer, I’ve always wanted a police dog.”
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