Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power “Wash” and “Rinse”, which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.”
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone…
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back …
“Good morning, Mr. Williams… Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
* Bicycles
- Two- wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
* Bump
- The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
* Deafness
- This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
* Dog Bed
- Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
* Drool
- Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
* Garbage Can
- A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
* Lean
- Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black- tie events.
* Leash
- A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
* Love
- Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return.
* Sofas
- Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
* Thunder
- This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
* Wastebasket
- This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
* Visitors
- Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
* Barking
- Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark…
* Licking
- Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
* Holes
- Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of The yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over The yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
* Doors
- The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
* The Art Of Sniffing
- Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.
* Dining Etiquette
- Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.
* Housebreaking
- Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
* Going For Walks
- Rules of the road: when out for A walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
* Couches
- It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
* Playing
- If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.
* Chasing Cats
- When chasing cats, make sure you never – quite – catch them. It spoils all the fun.
* Chewing
- Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Rabbit (+29)
As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified “No dogs.”
Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive and punctual with rent checks convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out.
Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn’t in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow- dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work.
“How is everything?” asked Chuck.
“We’re moving” replied the man. “This is a sick neighborhood.”
“Why? What happened?” replied Chuck.
The neighbor replied: “Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage.”
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
(To the tune of I’m Looking Over A Four Leaf Clover)
I’m looking over
my dead dog, Rover,
who I hit with the power mower.
One leg is missing,
the other is gone.
The third leg is scattered
all over the lawn.
There’s no need explaining
the one remaining;
it’s spinning on the car-port floor.
Oh, I’m looking over
my dead dog, Rover,
Who I over-looked before.
I’m looking over
my dead dog, Rover,
who I hit with the power mower.
My dog’s not eating,
he don’t even bark.
He hit the propeller,
and turned into Sparks.
There’s no need explaining,
there’s no dog remaining,
he’s part of the lawn, you see.
I’m looking over
my dead dog, Rover,
who I sent to eternity!
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335), Lists (+730), Men vs. Women (+5689)
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
* Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
* Dogs understand what “no” means.
* Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs do not play games with you – except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
* Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* You can train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
* Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.)
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Read all jokes from: Dog (+335)
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
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