Read all jokes from: Cat (+694)
* Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
* Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
* Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
* Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
* Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
* Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
* Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.
* Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.
* Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
* Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
* Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
* Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
* Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 4a.m.
* Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
* Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
* Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
* Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
* Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9- lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmmm… If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey – no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let THEM know who’s boss !
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
* Dogs come when they’re called; Cats take a message and get back to you later.
* Cats don’t like being baptized.
* Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
* A cat is always on the wrong side of the door.
* A cat will always sit on whatever you’re trying to read.
* A cat’s purr: The most effective stress medicine known.
* Cats are quite good at domesticating humans.
* Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
* Cats know Mom’s black suede gloves are giant tarantulas that need to be killed.
* Cats must attack their human’s shoelaces when they are tying them.
* Cats must crawl into the dishwasher when it is full of clean dishes.
* It’s always darkest before you step on the cat.
* Cats must rub against your legs while you’re carrying two bags of grocieries.
* You’re not a real person until you’re ignored by a cat.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Dog (+335), Lists (+730)
This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power “Wash” and “Rinse”, which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
All Rules can be broken when you feel like it.
Don’t worry about vet bills, someone else will pay.
Know where the sock drawer is for those catnaps.
Help with jigsaw puzzles.
Sniff every stranger.
Be astonishingly mysterious.
When in doubt, chase something.
Don’t play in plastic bags.
Ignore your mistakes.
When in doubt, let your tail do the talking.
Never sleep alone.
Curtains are for climbing only.
All chairs belong to the cat of the house.
Baths are for Dogs!
Feeding time is when YOU want to be fed.
Go absolutely berserk for no apparent reason.
Scratching humans and furniture is a no- no.
Try to keep that mouse alive for your human.
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them.
Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Lists (+730)
Cats that live with writers have to be especially creative to run the household they allow the writer to share. There are two methods that will get you the attention you deserve, you can use either plan:
1. Be the cutest cat in the world (not difficult but slightly humiliating).
2. Be the baddest cat in the world (easier and much more satisfying).
I suggest a combination of the two.
Get your writer involved in your day first thing in the morning; otherwise, you could starve if they get to the computer first.
1. Set the time you wish to rise and if treading lightly over the body of the sleeping writer does not wake them, proceed to CUTE by giving them a wet cat kiss on the face. They do not like it, but will never get mad because it is such an honour. (This is you at your cutest: use sparingly).
If cute doesn’t get the writer out of bed you’ll have to revert to plan B and more drastic measures. Proceed to BAD by first running heavily over the writer and finally launching yourself off the body with your FULL weight concentrated on ONE paw in a vital area of the dozing body.
2. Establish an early feeding time, so you can get to the computer to check your email while your writer is busy getting your food. Once it has been served, do not worry about it unless there are (god forbid) other animals in your house. Do your computer stuff while you have the chance, if there is nothing happening on the net, now would be the time to curl up on the computer chair and start your first nap of the day.
3. If you have trained your writer properly, they will hesitate before removing your sleeping body from the chair. They may, however, want to get started on the computer, and if you’ve trained them right, will gently carry you over to your food dish.
4. As they are setting you down, do a quick inspection of your eating area, making sure your placemat is clean, and your water dish is full. If not, insert a paw into the water dish and QUICKLY dump all the water out onto the floor. Try to do this right away before your writer gets back to the computer. Look VERY cute as you do it.
5. Try to look sorry. Lowering the ears and looking up with neck held back usually works here. If they just step over the water on the way back to the computer, proceed to plan B and throw a hissy fit. This involves meowing sorrowfully and LOUDLY, you cannot stop until the writer returns and cleans your eating area. Any creative hissies that you have used in the past can come into play here.
6 Once your writer is preoccupied with the computer, you have the run of the house to do whatever you need to. They will never notice as long as you don’t knock anything over too loudly. Have fun.
7 When you decide the weather is just right and you want to go outside, if your writer is ignoring you, go over and do the cute attention getters: patting the thigh with a sheathed paw. Meow pitifully next to the chair without let-up if the thigh pat doesn’t work. Proceed to plan B only when all your cutest attempts have failed.
This could be ACCIDENTALLY releasing a claw or two with the thigh pat, staring threateningly at the writer with a low growl or jumping up on their lap and typing on the keyboard. This is a surefire let-me-outside-NOW attention grabber.
8 Once you are outdoors, you may feel bored or lonely, and want your writer to come out to sit and watch you or even to play with you. This is a very difficult problem. First, you have to get their attention. Cute does not work here at all.
You have to resort to instinctive behaviour here and hang out at the bird feeder. As soon as you have stirred up all the birds, making them chirp noisily to attract your writers attention, you can proceed to plan B and either grab a bird to play with, (this GUARANTEES the swift arrival of your writer) or just sit looking cute now. Either way, you have their attention and can proceed to the next step.
9 Getting back into the house is something you want to do very quickly. If there is no bird feeder and no birds around you’ll have to skip cute and go right to plan B here: scratching on the door. Due to heavy concentration on your writers part though, it may take several attempts to train your writer. If scratching doesn’t do it you’ll have to rip the screen.
They will act very quickly to let you in once you have ruined a screen or two. After a drastic measure like this you must be at your CUTEST for at least half an hour. It’s a hardship, but they’ll get over the damage quicker if you become irresistible.
There are some writers who don’t care about a ripped screen, in this case you will have to jump up and hang on the screen on the window nearest their computer, yowling like you can’t get down. The writer will finally come out and get you off if you can keep it up long enough.
10 This is VERY important, on those rare occasions that you can get rid of your writer, (most of them at least have to mail out all that writing), be sure you make yourself unavailable when they are leaving. Find the highest perch in the house and get up there. If you lay there quietly they may not see you and will leave without bothering you or putting you outside. If they do see you, refuse to come down.
They will give up, they always leave everything to the last minute, so won’t have time to climb up to get you. On the rare occasions if they do climb up, jump down just as they get there and head out FAST to your secure hiding place – Good luck!
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694)
* Stare with the exact same expression whether you’re looking at nothing or an ax murderer.
* Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.
* Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.
* Play with invisible objects.
* Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneeding any available body parts.
* Figure 8 your humans legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won’t get a bite of.
* Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure your napping in the bathroom doorway.
* Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human’ s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
* If you absolutly have to go to the vet, cling to your human’s head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.
* Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
* Using the litterbox at your human’s mealtimes can be great fun.
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694)
On the first day of creation, God created the cat…
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat…
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the cat…
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor
for the good of the cat…
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might
or might not play with it…
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat
healthy and the man broke…
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox…
Yes, it’s a cat’s world after all. Amen!
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694)
A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: “Sorry I took so long,” he says, “stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”
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Read all jokes from: Cat (+694), Dog (+335)
How To Clean A Cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
NOTE: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will leap out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Faithfully Submitted,
Rover
How To Clean A Dog:
1. For those little fluffy ones, weiner ones, and other runty ones, see above 8 steps.
2. For the big mutts, try the washing machine, lid down with extra spin cycle.
Yours truly,
Kitty
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