Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: An embarrassed skunk!
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
AP December 12, 1999 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for, “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac
arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.
Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…
Foul play has not been ruled out.
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
Joe said, “Know what, Charlie? I killed five flies yesterday, three males and two females.”
“How could you tell them apart, Joe?” asked Charlie.
Joe replied, “That was easy. The three males were sitting on a case of beer and the two females were on the phone.”
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Read all jokes from:Bear (+406)
Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets?
A: They live on ice!
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Read all jokes from:Cat (+695), Dog (+335)
THE CREATION OF CAT
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.
THE CREATION OF DOG
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day of creation, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest but he had to walk the dog.
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Read all jokes from:Business (+60), Cow (+23)
Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede.
Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunity to eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat’s Urine
1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.
2.Solemnly intone the word “no” every time the cat approaches the beaker.
3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone with the beaker for thirty seconds.
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly.
Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, “Have you seen my Titswiggle?”
The boy said, “No, but can that be my reward?”
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “Listen,” he says to the bartender. “If i show you the most amazing thing you’ve ever
seen, is my beer on the house?”
“We’ll see,” says the bartender.
So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.
“Impressive,” says the bartender, “but i’ll need to see more.”
“Hold on,” says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings “Old Man River.”
A patron jups up from his table and shouts “Thats’s Absolutely incredible! I’ll give you $100 right now for the frog.”
“Sold,” says the guy.
The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.
“It’s none of my business,” says the bartender, “but you just gave away a fortune.”
“Not really,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”
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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5195)
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. “Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
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