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Q: How do you know if you cat’s got a bad cold?
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

Q: How do you know if you cat’s got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!



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The talking parrots
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!”



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Q: What’s gray, has four legs and a trunk?
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

Q: What’s gray, has four legs and a trunk?
A; A mouse on vacation.



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Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?

A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.



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A girl sees three dogs in the
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. “What’s your name?” she asks the first.

To her surprise, the dog answers “My name’s Huey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.”

She goes up to the second dog and asks “What’s your name?”

The dog replies “My name’s Duey and I’m having a great day going in and out of puddles.”

She turns to the third dog and says “I suppose you’re going to tell me your names Luey and you’re having a great day going in and out of puddles.”

The dog replies “No, I’m having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles.”



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Yellow Toad
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

There once was a toad that was excluded from all Green Toad activities because he was a handsome shade of yellow. So he
went to visit a beautiful fairy in the town over who had the power to grant wishes.
“Fairy,” he said. “I would like to be green, so I can play with all the other toads.”
“Granted!” said the fairy, who turned him yellow. Unfortunately, his little toady penis was still yellow.
“What about my penis?” he asked the fairy.
“Oh! For that, you’ll have to go see the wizard.”
And so the toad hopped off to find the wizard. Soon, a pink elephant visited the fairy, and he wished to be turned gray.
She granted him the wish, but, as with the toad, his penis was still pink. So she told him to visit the wizard.
“How do I find the wizard?” he asked.
“Just follow the yellow dick toad.”



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The Persistent Duck
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, “Got any duck feed?”
The clerk tells him, “No, we don’t have a market for it so we don’t carry it.”

The duck says, “Okay,” and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, “Got any duck feed?” Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, “Got any duck feed?” The clerk says, “I’ve told you twice, we don’t have duck feed, we’ve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.” The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?”

“No.”

“Got any duck feed?”



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Your Dog’s New Year’s Resolutions
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
6. I will not eat the cats’ food… before OR after they eat it.
7. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
8. I will not throw up in the car.
9. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
10. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
11. “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
12. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
13. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
14. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
15. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
16. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
17. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
18. We do not have a doorbell.
19. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
20. I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
21. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.
22. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
23. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.



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Milking it
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line, the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.”

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay the farmer double the price.

The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale.

“Oh no!” the farmer thought, “He got stung and now I have to give him the farm!”

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

“No, no, I’m okay,” gasped the naked man, “I’ll pay you double for the farm, but doesn’t that damn calf have a mother?”



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King of the Jungle…
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5198)

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The trembling monkey says, “You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
“Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”

The terrified ox stammers, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
“Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
“Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so upset about it!”



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