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Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Tourist guide at zoo: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don’t stand near the elephant’s backside… Madam, PLEASE don’t stand near the elephant’s backside … MADAM … MADAM …, too late; George, dig her out.”
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
* I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. * I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells. * The computer’s mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible. * I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up. * I will not throw up in the car. * I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on. * I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage. * I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. * I will not eat other animals’ poop. * I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop. * I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop. * “Kitty box crunchies” are not food. * I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. * The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. * I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones. * I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end. * I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them. * I will not chew crayons or pens, ‘specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. * When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside. * I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet. * We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. * I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. * The sofa is not a face towel. * Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps. * My head does not belong in the refrigerator. * I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration. * I will not play tug-o’-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. * I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table. * I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. * The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. * I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant: The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
“What’s the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine,” the society matron asked the zookeeper.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,”Got The next day, the duck returns. On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,”Got any nails?”
Read all jokes from:Monkey (+37)
A man was driving down the highway in his pick- up truck and there was this lone monkey just sitting along the side of the road. Confused, the man stopped the truck and opened the door. “You need a lift?” he asked. The monkey just stared back at him and scratched his butt. Eventually the man got out, picked the monkey up, put it in his front seat and started down the road again. At this time, there was a state trooper cruising down in the opposite direction. The policeman happened to see the man pick up the monkey. Knowing that it was not only illegal to pick up hitch hikers, but also illegal to have a monkey, he pulled the man over a few miles down the road. The policeman chewed the man out for picking up the monkey and told him to take it to the zoo immediately. The man agreed and was off. The next day the policeman saw the man driving down the highway with the monkey again. So he pulled the man over and said, “I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo.” “I did,” replied the man, “and we had so much fun that today we’re going to Sea World!”
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Sam, a Californian woodpecker, was visiting his cousin Woody, a Minnesota woodpecker, in Itasca State Park, the headwaters of the Mississippi River. Sam started to complain to Woody, “You know, these trees in Minnesota are tiny. Why you should come to California! We have trees so big, you can drive your car through them!” “Well, maybe I should,” declared Woody. “I’ll come up in the winter when it is too cold in Minnesota to fool around.” So, in December, Woody flew to Northern California, and Sam took him to Muir Woods, where true to his word, the trees were huge. Some of the trees were over 2000 years old! Woody picked the largest tree he could find to work on, but all of a sudden a huge storm threatened the park, and as Woody worked on his tree, lightning struck and split the tree in two. Woody shook his head in surprise. “It is always amazing how strong my pecker gets on my vacation!”
Read all jokes from:Cat (+694), Lists (+729)
* It’s ok to wear the same things everyday.
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard. Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle. “Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks. “When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied. “Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe. “Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”
Read all jokes from:Animals (+5199)
Q: Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you?
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