Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100181 jokes and pictures!


This woman’s husband died at sea and she received his parrot as the only possession by which to remember him. Even though it was foulmouthed, she put up with it for sentimental reasons.

After several unsuccessful months of trying to coerce the parrot to change his “sailor” ways, she finally issued him an ultimatum, “I’m having the bridge club over today and if one swear word is heard in the room, I’m going to feed you to the cat!”

The parrot mulled this over and decided he had better start reforming or he was soon to become kitty fare.

Later that day, the ladies started showing up. Unfortunately, one very large, elderly, snobbish- type woman sat down right by the corner where the parrot’s cage was. After a few hands of cards, there was a refreshment break and the conversation really started getting heavy. The parrot didn’t care much for the conversation or the attitude of the lady. The more she talked, the more he got these twinges to do something to get rid of her.

Finally the parrot had it and piped up with, “Whore boat leavin’ for China at two o’clock!”

The woman looked up and said, “Well! I never!” then she stood up and headed for the door.

Everyone is frozen in their seats when the parrot yelled after her, “Hey! Where are you goin’? Boat don’t leave till two!”

So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, “You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two
parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just
a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away, Francis,
our prayers have been answered!”

A middle- aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees.
One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is ” Hey bitch how much for a handjob”. She takes one look at our middle- aged friend, and runs out the door.
The next night, our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,”I’ll suck that crusty coin- slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over- the- shoulder- boulder- holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire- engine- red print, followed by a future threat from his father.
Well our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer.
After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger.
“Have you learned your lesson?”, he sternly said.
All the parrot can say is “I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?

There was a married couple having communication problems, so they decide to see a shrink. He recommends the husband get an animal he can talk to, preferably something that can talk back.

So the husband (Bob) goes to the local pet store to purchase a parrot. What better animal to have a conversation with than a parrot?

Anyway, he asks the sales clerk for a parrot. The Clerk says he has one that can say about 2000 words, for $1000. Bob doesn’t want to spend that much, so the clerk says he has a parrot that says about 1000 words, for $500. Still a litttle expensive, Bob decides. OK, the clerk says, We aren’t supposed to sell him, but you really seem to want a parrot. We have one in the back that can speak about 5000 words, about as well as any person. The only thing is that it was born with a birth defect. Instead of legs, it has a six-inch penis it uses to grapple to perch. Five bucks. Bob buys it, names it Joe, and takes joe home.

After a few months, Bob and Joe are the best of friends. One day, Bob comes home from work, and Joe says “Bob, we need to talk.”

So Bob sits down, “yeah what’s up?”

Joe says “today you’re wife invited the mailman in.”

“So? He was probably tired form working.”

“She asked him if he wanted a drink.”

“Well, he was probably thirsty. He has been working all day, you know.”

“She started taking off her blouse,” Joe said.

“OH MY GOD!! What happened then?”

“I Don’t know,” Said Joe. “I got a hard-on and fell off the perch.”



© 2015 ijokedb.com