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Q: How do you hire a teddy bear?
A: Put him on stilts!

Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?

A: Because he can’t make a fist.

A tomcat was heard running up and down the
alley for hours. A neighbor called his owner and
asked what was happening. The owner said, “Well,
I had him fixed today, and he’s going around
canceling all his engagements.”

Myron’s mother was very hard to please, but one year he thought hard and finally came up with a truly inspired birthday present: a pricey parrot that spoke six languages.
He arranged to have the bird delivered to her apartment a few hours before he was to arrive for the birthday dinner.
“So, Mom, did you get my present?” he asked.
“Yes, Myron, I did. And I must say, it cooked up very nicely.”
“You didn’t cook it!” Myron gasped. “That bird cost me $1,500. And it spoke English, Portuguese, Mandarin, Urdu, Arabic and Russian!”
“Now Myron,” the old woman chided, “if it really spoke all those languages, why didn’t it say something?”

A duck walks into a bar. He looks like the happiest duck in the world.
The bartender asks, “Why are you so happy today?”
The duck replies, “I’ve been playing in puddles all day.” The duck proceeds to order a beer and enjoy it at the bar.
A little while later another duck walks in the bar. He looks like the second happiest duck in the world.
The bartender asks, “Why are you so happy today?”
The duck gives the bartender the same answer, “I’ve been playing in puddles all day.” This duck also orders a beer and enjoys it
at the bar.
A third duck enters the bar, the total opposite of the first two ducks. He looks like the saddest duck in the world.
The bartender asks the duck, “What’s wrong with you?”
The duck replies, “My name is Puddles and I’ve had a terrible day.”



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