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Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down toward her.
“Pardon me” he asks, turning on his best charm, “…but is this stool taken?”

Q: Why do Woolly Mammoths have trunks?
A: Because they’d look pretty silly with glove compartments.

* Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

* Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.
2. a four footed allergen.
3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
4. a small, furry lap fungus.
5. a treat-seeking missile.
6. a wildlife control expert.
7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.
8. a hair relocation expert.
9. an unprogrammable animal.

* Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat’s life.

* Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

* Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

* Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

* Dog: a cat’s device for running practice.

* Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

* Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.

* Human: an automatic door opener for cats.

* Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

* Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

* Purrade: an organized march of cats.

* Purradise: the garden of Cats.

* Purramour: a cat lover.

* Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.

* Purraphernalia: a cat’s personal belongings.

* Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.

* Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.

* Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.

* Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.

* Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.

* Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.

* Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.

* Purrson: a male kitten.

* Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

* Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

* Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.

* Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

* Yawn: a cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off.
The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that.
He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, and again.
Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says “For Christ’s sake, what do you want now?”
The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.

Q: What do you do when a Great Woolly Mammoth sneezes?
A: Dive for the snow and DIG IN!



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