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Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?
A: Because he is always spotted.

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

8. Ice floating in toilet water.

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

6. Friends swear they’ve seen your car at the local meat- processing plant.

5. You can never find the leftovers.

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.

3. The dog doesn’t lick itself anymore… now it’s the cat’s job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to “Rover.”

1. Your apartment keys no longer work.

Q: Why couldn’t the two Great Woolly Mammoths go swimming?

A: Because between the two of them – there was just one pair of trunks!

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire.”

The French submited a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant – a Personal Account.”

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear.”

The Americans submited an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants – the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s”

Green-Peace submited a counter-entry “Elephants – they’re better than People”

The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled “The superiority of the Soviet Elephant”

And submited a poem “The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant.”

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”

There’s a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who’s 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog’s ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:

‘Don’t give it back! Don’t give it back!’

‘Why?’ asked the man.

‘You’re not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!’

© 2015