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So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.”

The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

Q: What did one Arctic murre say to the other?

A: “What? We flew 2000 miles for THIS?!”

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully
and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing
what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn’t get them mixed up again,
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male
parrot’s neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes
one look at the father’s collar, wolf whistles, and says, “I see she
caught you at it, too.”

Q: What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?
A: An eskimew.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when – all of a sudden – a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

“Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

*POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

“Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered.”

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