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Q: Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you?
A: That depends on whether you’re a man or a mouse.

I heard the big owner on the radio with ways to talk about humans and still be politically correct. Well, here’s: “HOW TO TALK ABOUT CATS & STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT.”

I’m not aloof. I am Hominoidally Unimpressed.

I don’t shed. I develop Follicle Abdication.

I don’t scratch. I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don’t purr. I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent. I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I’m not small. I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat. I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep. I am temporarily inert.

I don’t chase mice. I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy. I become a Fastidious Feline.

I am not hungry. I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder.

I’m not fixed. I am Romantically Inaccessible.

The Big Owner isn’t dumb. He is a Speed Bump on the Information Superhighway.

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off.
The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that.
He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, and again.
Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says “For Christ’s sake, what do you want now?”
The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.

Jon takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers. After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar.

“Whose dog is tied up out front?”

Jon responds, “That’s my dog. Is there a problem officer?”

“Well she’s in heat,” says the cop.

“Oh, she’ll be all right. It’s shady out there.”

“That’s not what I mean. Your dog needs bred.”

“I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She’s fine.”

At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. “Listen fellow. You don’t seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog needs to be screwed.”

“Go right ahead officer, I’ve always wanted a police dog.”

It was so cold…
the Polar Bears were buying fur coats!



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