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Q: What did the sled dog take when it was run down?
A: The description of the snowmobile that hit it!

* I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

* I will not use the humans’ bathtub to store live mice for late- night snacks.

* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

* I will not help myself to Q- tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

* I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

* I will remember that I am A walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

* I will not knead my male human’s groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

* I will not attempt to stop the human’s snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human’s dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say “Where’s my supper!”

* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human’s grandmother is visiting.

* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

Q: How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman’s kilt?

A: Depends how long the perch is.

Q: Why shouldn’t you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 a.m.?
A: Because that’s when elephants are jumping from the trees.



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