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Q: What do chain saws and monkeys have in common?

A: They both fuck up trees!

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” the tourist asked.

The old man replied, “Nope.”

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”

The old man replied, “Ain’t my dog.”

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend visits her the next day and asks “Are you hurt?”

She replies, “Of Course I’m hurt, He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”

16 Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR’s early space program.

15 National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President’s relatives with typewriters.

14 Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!

13 “Organ grinding” no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.

12 First President in diapers since the Reagan years.

11 Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.

10 Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.

9 N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, “Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”

8 Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe- taking at twice the speed of current administration.

7 New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

6 State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung- tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.

5 President’s IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh’s.

4 To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.

3 “No, Ms. Embry, you can’t spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!”

2 During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson’s toupee. and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey…

1 On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means “yes.” Loud raspberry means “no.”

Q: Where do cats write down notes?
A: Scratch Paper!

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