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Q: Why did the cat run from the tree?
A: Because it was afraid of the bark!

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he’s gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.

“Get a load of her” said the mouse, “what a babe!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” replied the lion.

So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they’re out the door and into the night.

The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up.

The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, “What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?”

The mouse replied, “Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I’ve never had a night like it!”

“But how come you look like you’re so exhausted?” asked the lion.

“Well” said the mouse, “between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!”

Q: What’s a chicken in a hot tub?

A: Soup

* A cat always hits the litterbox.

* Better chance of training a cat.

* No matter what your cat drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.

* You never have to spend time with your cat’s mother.

* If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

* A cat purrs when you serve him dinner.

* You can de-claw a cat… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

* It’s okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

* You don’t have to worry about your cat turn into a pig when you host a party.

* A cat knows you’re the key to his happiness… a man thinks he is.

* If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

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