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What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out “Hey Mister … pssst … come here.”

He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree. He picks it up and it says “Hey Mister … if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will be my commands forever.”

He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk back toward home.

The frog says “Hey, what are ya doing? Don’t ya want to kiss me?”

The old man says, “No … to tell you the truth, at my age, a talking frog is worth a whole lot more to me.”

Q: What is brown and sits in the forest?

A: Winnie’s poo.

I heard the big owner on the radio with ways to talk about humans and still be politically correct. Well, here’s: “HOW TO TALK ABOUT CATS & STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT.”

I’m not aloof. I am Hominoidally Unimpressed.

I don’t shed. I develop Follicle Abdication.

I don’t scratch. I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don’t purr. I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent. I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I’m not small. I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat. I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep. I am temporarily inert.

I don’t chase mice. I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy. I become a Fastidious Feline.

I am not hungry. I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder.

I’m not fixed. I am Romantically Inaccessible.

The Big Owner isn’t dumb. He is a Speed Bump on the Information Superhighway.

Q: What’s a sign that your sled dog may not be an Iditarod winner?

A: There’s a medic alert bracelet hanging on its collar.

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