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Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?

A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

“Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”

You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

If they had only known!!

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains

the plan:
- First I’ll climb up there with the ladder;
- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;
- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;
- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it’s hands to it’s groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;
- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo…

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, ‘asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

“Well… ” explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It’s just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,

Shoot the dog…

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

‘Hey,’ he called. ‘I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

‘Yes. Come and join us,’ they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

‘What else do you wild rabbits do?’ he asked.

‘Well,’ one of them said. ‘You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.’

This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, ‘What else do you do?’

‘You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.’

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

‘Is there anything else you guys do?’ he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. ‘There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,’ he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. ‘They’re girls. We poke them. Go and try it.’

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

‘That was fantastic,’ he panted.

‘So are you going to live with us then?’ one of them asked.

‘I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.’

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. ‘Why? We thought you liked it here.’

‘I do,’ our friend replied. ‘But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.’

Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?
A: A bear faced lyre!



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