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1. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

2. Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

3. Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

4. Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?

5. Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?

6. Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

7. Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

8. Do you kiss your cat on the lips?

9. Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your spoon?

10. Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?

11. Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?

12. Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

13. Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

14. Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?

15. Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

16. Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

17. Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?

18. Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?

19. Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

20. Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?

21. Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?

22. Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or foot board, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?

23. When you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out each cat and inform them of your anticipated return time?

24. Do you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the cat wants to sleep on it?

25. Do you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on the chair?

26. Do you you make sure there’s plenty of kitty litter in the house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?

27. At the store, do you pick out the cat food before you pick out anything for yourself?

28. Do you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?

29. Does it always take you longer than expected to read a magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while you’re reading?

30. Do you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of them and is asleep in one of the drawers?

31. Is the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?

32. Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?

33. Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?

34. Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way)

35. When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?

36. Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?

37. When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

38. Do you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in it?

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk – dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary – the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port- a- potty on a hot day in Juarez.” When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding- glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three- ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high- top construction boots, a pair of steel- mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long- sleeve flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.
* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)
* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is – for cats – three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)
* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi- permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho- ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better

Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?

A: Because he is always spotted.

Q: What’s the difference between a duck and a cow?

A: They both swim, except for the cow.

On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog’s owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder said, “Looks as if I killed your dog.”

“Sure does.”

“I’m sorry. Was it a valuable dog?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Two hundred dollars. That should do it.”

“Sounds good.”

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man’s hand, he said, “I’m sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting.”

“I wasn’t going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog.”



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