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Q: What do cows like to dance to?
A: Any kind of moosic you like!

* Visitors
o Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

* Barking
o Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark…

* Licking
o Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

* Holes
o Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

* Doors
o The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

* The Art Of Sniffing
o Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

* Dining Etiquette
o Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

* Housebreaking
o Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

* Going For Walks
o Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

* Couches
o It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

* Playing
o If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.

* Chasing Cats
o When chasing cats, make sure you never–quite–catch them. It spoils all the fun.

* Chewing
o Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.

A middle- aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees.
One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is ” Hey bitch how much for a handjob”. She takes one look at our middle- aged friend, and runs out the door.
The next night, our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,”I’ll suck that crusty coin- slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over- the- shoulder- boulder- holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire- engine- red print, followed by a future threat from his father.
Well our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer.
After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger.
“Have you learned your lesson?”, he sternly said.
All the parrot can say is “I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: “Tail gunner to pilot…Tail gunner to pilot..”
The eagle says “What do you want?”
The mouse asks how high up they are.
The eagle thinks for a Moment and then says “ohh about 5,000 ft.”
The mouse then replies “You wouldn’t be shittin me now would ya?”

Q: What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A: A battery hen!

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