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Q: Why did the foal cough?

A: Because he was a little horse!

Sock Monkey

A guy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. “Hmmmm,” he wonders, “how am I gonna get more cash?” Then he gets an idea. He calls his father.

“Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! They actually have a program here that teaches sock monkeys to talk!”

“Why that’s absolutely amazing!” his father says. “How do I get one in that program?”

“Just send me a sock monkey with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.” So his father sends a sock monkey and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again.

“So how’s the sock monkey doing, son?” his father asks. “Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this – now they have a program here that will teach a sock monkey to READ!”

“READ!” says his father, “That’s amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the sock monkey can’t read or talk. So he shoots the sock monkey. When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s the sock monkey? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some bad news. This morning when I got out of the shower, the sock monkey was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the Tribune, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked ‘So, is your father still messin’ around with that blonde that lives over on Lake Shore Drive?’ ”

His father says “I hope you SHOT that lyin’ sack of trash!”

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, “I’m paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does.”

“I guarantee it, madam,” replied the auctioneer. “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

Q: Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
A: It lives on ice!

To see if your dog has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word “walk,” yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word “come?”

2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words, “Don’t worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children?”

3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?

5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of, “It’s time to go home,” yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions … relax, your dog is normal!

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non- stop eating?

2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly- cleaned- of- hair bedspread?

3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?

5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat- sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?

6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions … relax, your cat is normal!

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