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Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after- hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!”

To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!”

Q: Where can you find an ocean without any water?
A: On a map!

A Duck walks into a bar.

Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don’t have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don’t have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don’t have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I’ve got any
Fucking bread once more I’m gonna nail
your Fucking bill to this bar.


Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?

1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime s/he wants.

2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline’s whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants.

3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain, and effects, against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime s/he wants.

4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty, and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE s/he wants.

5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline’s compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as they’re cute.

6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I can sleep on your face…)

7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.

8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at any time or any place. In other words: Don’t disturb me when I am sleeping in a drawer.

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
and says “Ok, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says “You can’t handle all these chickens….look at
what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
hike.”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…..just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking
over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
coop.”
The young rooster says, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man, just
to be fair, I’m even going to give you a head start.”
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck “Go!”
and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on,
grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
He sadly shakes his head and says “Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!”



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