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Monkey and the Cue Ball

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender said, “You can’t bring that monkey in here!” The man said, “Don’t worry, he won’t cause any trouble.”

Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, “Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!”

The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.

Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, “That’s disgusting! Why did he do that!”

The man said, “Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it.”

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in The yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)

Thou shalt not dig up My favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox.

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.

Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 a.m.

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother- in- law’s leg.

Q: What do you get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids!

Q: What do you call a cat who does tricks?
A: A magic kit.

Q: What’s yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear’s forgotten cousin!

© 2015