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Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, “Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?”

The other replies, “Yeah. You’d move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!”

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, ” Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.”

She exclaims, ” I’m not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”

The husband replies,” Well, why don’t you just hold it’s little nose!”



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