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Q: Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
A: The retail store.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” he monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.

Q: What kind of monkeys grow on vines?
A: Grey apes


1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat’s throat.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *$#’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


1. Wrap pill in bacon, cheese, or peanut butter; make him beg.

* Dogs love it when your friends come over.

* Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

* Dogs think you sing great.

* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

* Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.

* Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

* Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

* Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

* Dogs love red meat.

* Anyone can get a good looking dog.

* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

* Dogs don’t shop.

* Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

* A dog’s disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.

* Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

* A dog’s parents never visit.

* Dogs love long car trips.

* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

* Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.

* Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

* No dog ever bought Kenny G, Cher, or Barbra Streisand albums.

* No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

* Dogs never criticize.

* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

* Dogs never expect gifts.

* Dogs don’t worry about germs.

* Dogs don’t care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.

* Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.

* Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

* Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

* You never have to wait for a dog. They’re always ready to go.

* Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

* Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

* Dogs aren’t catty.

* Dogs seldom outlive you.

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