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There are these two ducks hanging around beside a lake, a lady duck and a gentleman duck, and it’s the mating season. The man duck starts prodding her with his beak and she says, “Here, what do you think you’re doing? Haven’t you any subtlety?”

He says, “Oh, don’t you want to, then?”

She says, “Well, not here, there’s people watching. Let’s go to a hotel for the afternoon, like everyone else.”

He says, “Where’s a hotel, then?”

She says, “There’s one there on the other side of the lake. Don’t you know anything?”

So they fly across the lake and plod into the hotel and she says, “Go on, ask him for a room.”

So the man duck says to the receptionist, “Quack! We want a room for the afternoon, please. We’re on our honeymoon.”

The receptionist says, “Certainly sir; room 22, here’s your key.

So the ducks get in the lift and go up to the second floor and let themselves into their room. No sooner have they got in there than he starts prodding her with his beak again and after a while she says, “Hang on a minute. You got an protection?”

“What?” he says.

“Protection! I’m not going to do it without any protection.”

“Oh. Well, er, where are we going to get it?”

“Haven’t you had any education?” she says. “Ring room service and ask them to send one up.”

“How do I ring room service?”

“Dial 0 and ask for room service!”

So he knocks the receiver off the hook, prods the 0 on the phone with his beak and asks for room service, and when they answer, he says, “Quack! I’d like a pot of tea for two; some scones; a couple of slices of cake; the evening paper; and, er, some protection.”

“Certainly sir,” says room service. “That’ll be with you in 10 minutes.”

So the ducks hang around for a few minutes looking out at the lake, and then there’s a knock and the lackey comes in with the tray. He puts the tray down on the table, fishes something out of his pocket and says, “There’s your tea, sir, and here’s your protection. Shall I put it on your bill?”

“Certainly not,” says the duck. “What do you think I am, a pervert?”

Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob’s cow crapping in Bill’s yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill’s house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the 18-wheeler.

‘My new pet elephant,’ Bill replies solemly.

Q: What did the mother skunk say to her teenage skunk?
A: Don’t stink and drive.

This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. “I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I’m sending him over.”

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?”

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?”

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

“Ok, what about her earth?”

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. “OK, finally, I’d like to thee her twat.”

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s canal then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, “Perhapth I should rephrase. I’d like to thee her run!”

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