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A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, “How about a dog?” The man replies, “Come on, a dog can’t do everything.”

The owner says “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”

The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “Centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything but, ok … I’ll try a centipede.”

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it’s immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. The plants are watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This is a pet that can really do everything.”

He says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

The man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back by now. Forty- five minutes later, still no centipede. The man can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where was the centipede?

He goes to the front door, opens it, and there’s the centipede sitting right outside the door. The man says,

“Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and just get me a newspaper. What’s the story?”

The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m puttin’ on my shoes!”

Q: When are your eyes not eyes?
A: When the cold Arctic wind makes them water!

Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘pee’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Q: Why didn’t the tourist in the Arctic get any sleep?
A: He plugged his electric blanket into the toaster by mistake – and kept popping out of bed all night!



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