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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” he monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?”
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.

16 Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR’s early space program.

15 National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President’s relatives with typewriters.

14 Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!

13 “Organ grinding” no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.

12 First President in diapers since the Reagan years.

11 Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.

10 Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.

9 N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, “Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”

8 Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe- taking at twice the speed of current administration.

7 New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.

6 State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung- tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.

5 President’s IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh’s.

4 To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle.

3 “No, Ms. Embry, you can’t spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!”

2 During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson’s toupee. and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey…

1 On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means “yes.” Loud raspberry means “no.”

Once upon a time, there lived a poor cap seller in a small village in India. He earned his livelihood stiching caps and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the caps missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his caps. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his caps. He lifted the cap on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their apeing habits the monkeys followed suit. The cap seller, then collected all the caps and triumphantly proceeded to the market.

As the years pass by, the cap seller has a grandson who too ends up being a cap seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell caps in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa’s trick if the monkeys cause any trouble. So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the caps gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the caps. Smiling to himself he says, “Aha! I know how to deal with this. I’ll use my grandpa’s trick!”

So he hurls his cap to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young capless monkey sitting in the tree. This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson’s cap and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically “HA, HA! So, did you think that only you humans have a grandpa?”

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist.
“So you want them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.
To which she replied: “No. Holding hands will do just fine.”

Q: What kind of monkeys grow on vines?

A: Grey apes



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