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Sled Dog Tip: You can’t trust your dog to watch your lunch.

* Dogs love it when your friends come over.

* Dogs don’t care if you use their shampoo.

* Dogs think you sing great.

* A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

* Dogs don’t expect you to call when you’re running late. The later you are, the more excited a dog is to see you.

* Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

* Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

* Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.

* Dogs love red meat.

* Anyone can get a good looking dog.

* If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.

* Dogs don’t shop.

* Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

* A dog’s disposition stays the same throughout the entire month.

* Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

* A dog’s parents never visit.

* Dogs love long car trips.

* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

* Dogs understand that everything smaller than it is meant to be chased.

* Dogs don’t hate their bodies.

* No dog ever bought Kenny G, Cher, or Barbra Streisand albums.

* No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

* Dogs never criticize.

* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

* Dogs never expect gifts.

* Dogs don’t worry about germs.

* Dogs don’t care about or get jealous of any other dog you ever had.

* Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet desk and the backs of your drawers.

* Dogs don’t let magazine articles guide their lives.

* Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

* You never have to wait for a dog. They’re always ready to go.

* Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

* Dogs don’t borrow your shirts.

* Dogs aren’t catty.

* Dogs seldom outlive you.

On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog’s owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder said, “Looks as if I killed your dog.”

“Sure does.”

“I’m sorry. Was it a valuable dog?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Two hundred dollars. That should do it.”

“Sounds good.”

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man’s hand, he said, “I’m sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting.”

“I wasn’t going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog.”

* Visitors
o Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

* Barking
o Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark…

* Licking
o Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

* Holes
o Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

* Doors
o The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

* The Art Of Sniffing
o Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

* Dining Etiquette
o Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

* Housebreaking
o Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

* Going For Walks
o Rules of the road: when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

* Couches
o It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

* Playing
o If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don’t injure yourself.

* Chasing Cats
o When chasing cats, make sure you never–quite–catch them. It spoils all the fun.

* Chewing
o Make a contribution to the fashion industry… eat a shoe.

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
He got 16 months.

© 2015