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Apparently it has been eaten by a “BIG DOG”

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* Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

* Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

* Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in The yard.

* Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)

* Thou shalt not dig up My favorite rose bush.

* Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

* Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

* Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.

* Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy)

* Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.

* Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been nuetered)

* Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

* Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

* Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.

* Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.

* Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

* Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother- in- law’s leg.

1. He dries himself on your bed sheets after a bath.

2. He barks uproariously at doorbells on TV, but doesn’t make a sound when a stranger comes to your door.

3. He not only wants to sleep in bed with you but wants to share your pillow as well.

4. Or worse, he wants your pillow all to himself.

5. He barks in the middle of the night to let you know that he’s thirsty and you’ve left the commode lid down.

6. He is more attracted to your fishing lures than any fish ever were.

7. He loves to roll in the motor oil drip spot in your garage and then go straight to bed – your bed.

8. He confuses your $10 a roll Christmas wrapping paper with his potty papers.

9. He becomes romantically involved with the ankles of your dinner guests.

10. He thinks of your cat as a chew toy.

On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog’s owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder said, “Looks as if I killed your dog.”

“Sure does.”

“I’m sorry. Was it a valuable dog?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Two hundred dollars. That should do it.”

“Sounds good.”

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man’s hand, he said, “I’m sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting.”

“I wasn’t going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog.”

* Bicycles
– Two- wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

* Bump
– The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

* Deafness
– This is a malady that affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

* Dog Bed
– Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

* Drool
– Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

* Garbage Can
– A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

* Lean
– Every good dog’s response to the command “sit !”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black- tie events.

* Leash
– A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

* Love
– Is a feeling of intense affection given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky a human will love you in return.

* Sofas
– Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

* Thunder
– This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

* Wastebasket
– This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

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