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Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
He got 16 months.

What we say to sled dogs: “Mush! Hike! Gee! Haw!”
What they hear: “Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!”

10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day.

9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room.

8. Ice floating in toilet water.

7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.

6. Friends swear they’ve seen your car at the local meat- processing plant.

5. You can never find the leftovers.

4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel.

3. The dog doesn’t lick itself anymore… now it’s the cat’s job.

2. Mensa mailings addressed to “Rover.”

1. Your apartment keys no longer work.

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go ‘pee’, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

* Have a torrid one- night stand with a street mutt.

* Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.

* I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

* Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

* Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask- wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

* Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

* Always scoot before licking.

* Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

* January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re- live victory over the sock.

* I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.



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