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CAT:

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat’s throat.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little *$#’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG:

1. Wrap pill in bacon, cheese, or peanut butter; make him beg.

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” the tourist asked.

The old man replied, “Nope.”

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”

The old man replied, “Ain’t my dog.”

* Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

* Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

* Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.

* Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)

* Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

* Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

* Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

* Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.

* Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy)

* Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.

* Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been nuetered)

* Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

* Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

* Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.

* Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2am.

* Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

* Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law’s leg.

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
He got 16 months.

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in The yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)

Thou shalt not dig up My favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox.

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.

Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 a.m.

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother- in- law’s leg.



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