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First sled dog in heaven: “For fourteen years I survived storms, fights with polar bears and wolves, falls into crevasses, plunges through the ice into the icy ocean…”
Second sled dog in heaven: “How did you get here?”
First sled dog in heaven: “When I was sleeping, my stupid owner ran over me with his snowmobile!”

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks. Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

A lady with a prize- winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn’t come when she called. When she took him out for A walk he wouldn’t heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn’t looking and she called him, he acted like he didn’t hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, “There’s nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can’t hear you, but he isn’t deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven’t got any in stock, but you can get some ‘Neet’ or ‘Nair’ at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will.”

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

“How do I apply this product,” she asked. “Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?”

The druggist said, “For you legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50- 50 with water.”

She said, “I don’t think that you understand. It’s for my schnauzer.”

“Oh,” said the druggist. “In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn’t ride a bicycle for a few days.”

To see if your dog has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word “walk,” yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word “come?”

2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words, “Don’t worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children?”

3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?

5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of, “It’s time to go home,” yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions … relax, your dog is normal!

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non- stop eating?

2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly- cleaned- of- hair bedspread?

3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?

4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?

5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat- sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?

6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions … relax, your cat is normal!

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren’t getting any ducks.
“What do you think the problem is?” one man asked his companion.
“I dunno,” came the reply, “Maybe we aren’t throwing the dog up high enough.”

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