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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said “What would God want with a dead dog?”

* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

* Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

* Dachshund: I can’t reach the lamp!

* Toy Poodle: I’ll just talk sweet to the Border collie and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

* Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!

* Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

* Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

* Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

* Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

* Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

* Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

* Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

* Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

To see if your dog has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word “walk,” yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word “come?”
2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words, “Don’t worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children?”
3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?
5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of, “It’s time to go home,” yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions . . . relax, your dog is normal!

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair bedspread?
3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?
6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions . . . relax, your cat is normal!

* There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

* The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.

* The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

* The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

* That telltale lemon slice in the new silver waterbowl.

* You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

* Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

* A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.

* Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted sweater with matching boots.

* The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

* You believe every dog is a lap dog.

* If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

* You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

* You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

* You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

* You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

* No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

* You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

* You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

* You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

* You let the neighbor’s dog sleep over.

* You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

* Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

* When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

* You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

* You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

* Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.



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