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* Have a torrid one- night stand with a street mutt.

* Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.

* I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

* Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

* Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask- wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

* Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

* Always scoot before licking.

* Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

* January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re- live victory over the sock.

* I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.
Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane…
About 30 minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering.
“Are you OK, sir?” asked the stew?
“Yes, I’m fine.” said the man.
Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again..
“Are you sure you’re alright sir?”
“Yes.” said the man, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.”
“Whats wrong?” asked the stew, “Is he not house broken?”
“No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was …Willy?

* My Willy ate my homework.

* Oh, no! Willy is frothing at the mouth!

* Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Willy.

* I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Willy on a leash.

* Willy doesn’t come when I call him.

* I love giving Willy a bath.

* Willy needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.

* Playing with Willy really wears me out.

* Would you like to see a picture of Willy?

* I keep a picture of Willy in my wallet.

* I think Willy is getting old because he won’t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

* Help! I can’t find Willy!

* Willy gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

* Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Willy to the hospital.

* Watch it or you’ll step on Willy.

* When Willy behaves well, he gets a bone.

* Stop kicking Willy.

* Willy is truly man’s best friend.

* I’ve trained Willy to jump through hoops.

* Willy always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.

* Excuse me, I need a muzzle for Willy.

* Sorry I’m late, but Willy kept me up howling all night.


* If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

* If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.

* If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles

* If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it

* If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time

* If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of your own, something goes wrong

* If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

* If you can face the world without lies and deceit

* If you can conquer tension without medical help

* If you can relax without liquor

* If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

… Then, you are almost as good as your dog.

© 2015