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* Have a torrid one- night stand with a street mutt.

* Try to understand that the cat is from Venus, and I am from Mars.

* I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

* Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

* Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask- wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

* Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

* Always scoot before licking.

* Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

* January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31st: Re- live victory over the sock.

* I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

A man takes his dog for A walk in the park. While he’s there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls.
The friend sees this and says, “Man, I sure wish I could do that.”
The dog owner says, “Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first.”

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died. He’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said “What would God want with a dead dog?”

* Golden Retriever: The sun is shining. The day is young. We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us. And you’re inside worrying about a stupid, burned-out light bulb?

* Border Collie: Just one. Not only that, but I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

* Dachshund: I can’t reach the lamp!

* Toy Poodle: I’ll just talk sweet to the Border collie and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

* Rottweiler: Go ahead! Make me!

* Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. What are servants for?

* Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

* Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

* Doberman Pinscher: While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

* Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

* Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

* Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there…

* Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?

* Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

* Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?



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