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* E- Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”

* Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

* You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

* Your mouse has teeth marks in it… and a strange aroma of tuna.

* Hate- mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of “CyberDog.”

* Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

* You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

* On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.

* Little kitty carpal- tunnel braces near the scratching post.

To see if your dog has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word “walk,” yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word “come?”
2. Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words, “Don’t worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children?”
3. Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?
5. Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of, “It’s time to go home,” yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions . . . relax, your dog is normal!

To see if your cat has a problem, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair bedspread?
3. Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament which might be misconstrued as his competition?
6. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property? Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions . . . relax, your cat is normal!

Q: What does a cat do when it gets mad?
A: It has a hissy fit.

Q: How do you know if you cat’s got a bad cold?
A: He has cat-arrh!

I overheard the Big Owner talking about the Alaskan Iditarod Sled Dog Race. For some reason humans gather every year in the American frontier to race across the frozen Alaskan tundra. I don’t get it. Most Americans in the lower 49 don’t, either. The only thing that makes sense is that dogs do all the work. The humans are just along for the ride. The hardest thing humans do is carry a map and wield a pooper- scooper. Dogs have sunk so low on the evolutionary ladder that they are now the designated haulers in a race through an ice- cold territory. It’s a shame dogs let that happen. It’s doubtful that the organizers ever considered cats pulling those sleds, because everyone knows cats are smarter. Then again, the scientific answer might yield some clues.
It takes an average 12 to 16 dogs to pull a 500 pound sled including an overweight and out of shape human for the duration of the race. At the average weight of 100 pounds per sled dog, my estimate is that it would take 14.28 cats to replace the each dog. Assuming they’d run with the full compliment, a musher would need to outfit a minimum of 228 cats at the starting line.
Assuming each cat was given one small can of cat food per day, which is unlikely, but for the sake of argument a given, and the race takes 10 days, that is 2,280 cans of cat food for the span of the race. With each can weighing 5.5 ounces, the total additional weight at the outset of the race would be 784 pounds. If it’s gourmet, the cats could probably handle it. Another bonus is that the load would get lighter as they ate their way to the finish line.
Most cats nap at least 12 hours of the day and do not wish to be disturbed. As all competitors would be faced with the same problem, most racing would be done at night when – as every human knows – cats are most active. The human musher would have to adapt to cat hours. The added night illumination gear including batteries would be a conservative 200 pounds.
Here’s an idea. Have cats lead, with the dogs in back. The dogs’ constant pursuit of the cats could set new race records! Then again the cats would probably go their own way, anyway, and end up at Santa’s house.

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