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Rules for Cats who have a House to Run
I’m ready for some serious hampering!

1. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

2. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shagpile is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

3. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything – just sit and stare.

4. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are some of the many rules for “hampering”:
* When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
* For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
* For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
* For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim-to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
* When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises!

5. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.

6. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

* Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.

* Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.

* Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.

* Put everything cat- toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.

* Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won’t be the whole breast.

* Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.

* Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).

* Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the t.v. shouting “No! No! Don’t chew on the electric cord!” Miss the end of the program.

* Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.

* Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It’s going to get scratched anyway.

* Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.

* Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.

* Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.

* Take a fork and shred the roll of toliet paper while it’s still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.

* Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.

* Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.

* Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.

* Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a Moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!”

Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog because it croaks every night.

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.

A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”



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