Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100252 jokes and pictures!


Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
A: She’s got that down in the mouth look!

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”

* I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

* I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

* I will not use the humans’ bathtub to store live mice for late- night snacks.

* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

* My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

* I will not help myself to Q- tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

* I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

* I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

* I will remember that I am A walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

* Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

* I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

* I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

* I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my “kill.”

* If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

* I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

* I will not knead my male human’s groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

* I will not attempt to stop the human’s snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

* I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human’s dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say “Where’s my supper!”

* I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human’s grandmother is visiting.

* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

* When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

* I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

When the world was created, the gods decided to appoint one creature to see that it ran smoothly and to oversee all other creatures. The creature they selected was the cat. Thoughtful and contemplative, cats were given the power of speech in order to talk with the creator gods and give instructions to the other creatures who shared the world. For a long time all seemed to go well.

Cats, however, were sybaritic creatures, characterized by their devotion to excessive self- indulgence and luxury.

Rather than attend to the mundane, day- to- day running of a world, they wanted to doze in sunbeams on beds of fragrant catnip and matatabi vine. The creator gods saw this and asked the cats whether they were doing anything to ensure the smooth running of this newly made world.

“Running a world is not of great interest to us,” said the cats, “we are content to roll on the grass and chase butterflies when the mood takes us. Mostly we let the world run itself so that we can enjoy the simple pleasures of warm sunshine and fresh, scented air.”

The gods asked the cats to be more diligent in the running of the newly made world and the cats promised to pay a little more attention to their allotted task. Some while later, the gods paid another visit to their vibrant new world and they found the cats sleeping under cherry trees or playing with falling cherry blossoms. Once more they questioned the cats’ dedication to overseeing the world.

“Running a world is, to be honest, a rather boring task. It is much more fun to sleep comfortably under cherry trees and frolic among the falling blossom,” said the cats, “however, we will try to pay more attention to the business of being in charge of the world – it is a great responsibility.”

The gods chastised the cats a second time and went away full of hope that the cats would pay closer attention to the running of the world the gods had given them. However, on a third visit, the gods found the cats chasing floating thistledown in the late summer sunshine.

“To be perfectly honest,” the cats said, “we’ve realised that we really don’t want the bother of running a world. We’ve noticed that one of your creatures shows much more promise in this respect, perhaps you could give the task of running a world to them so that we can spend our time enjoying the pleasures this world has to offer.”

The gods reluctantly agreed, but on one condition. Those appointed to run the world required the power of speech. Therefore cats would no longer be able to talk and the other creature, called humans, would be endowed with speech. And while man busied himself about running the world and remaking it to his own liking and filling it with chatter, cats basked in scented sunshine with inscrutable expressions.

From that day on, mankind gained the power of speech while cats enjoyed the delights the world had to offer – sunshine, scents, textures and things to chase or play with. But the gods never forgot that the cat was their first chosen one to run the world and made them timekeepers so that humans could always tell the time of day by looking into a cat’s eyes. In the morning their eyes are pools of blackness rimmed with gold; at noon they are mere black slits on disks of gold while in the evening they open out into pools of blackness once more.

Not only that, the purring of the cat is the sound of the machinery moving the world around the heavens and should the cats cease to purr, the world would stand still in the sky and the seasons, and all of time, would come to an end. So while mankind has the day- to- day running of the world, the cat still remains its timekeeper and guardian which is why cats always look so inscrutable and so smug.

1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime s/he wants.

2. A well- carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline’s whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime s/he wants.

3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain, and effects, against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime s/he wants.

4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty, and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE s/he wants.

5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments, and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline’s compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as they’re cute.

6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I can sleep on your face… )

7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.

8. The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at any time or any place. In other words: Don’t disturb me when I am sleeping in a drawer.



© 2015 ijokedb.com