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* Aquarium: Interactive television for cats.

* Cat: 1. A lapwarmer with a built- in buzzer. 2. A four footed allergen. 3. A small, four- legged, fur- bearing extortionist. 4. A small, furry lap fungus. 5. A treat- seeking missile. 6. A wildlife control expert. 7. One who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. A hair relocation expert. 9. An unprogrammable animal.

* Cataclysm: Any great upheaval in a cat’s life.

* Caterpillar: A soft scratching post for a cat.

* Cat Scan: To look for a new cat.

* Dog: A cat device for running practice.

* Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

* Human: An automatic door opener for cats.

* Impurrsonate: To act like the cat.

* Kitten: A small homicidal bundle of fur on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near- mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two!

* Purrade: An organized march of cats.

* Purradise: The garden of Cats.

* Purramour: A cat lover.

* Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

* Purraphernalia: A cat’s personal belongings.

* Purrch: Any favoured feline napping spot.

* Purrchase: Anything bought for a cat.

* Purrgatory: A houseful of kittens.

* Purrmission: A feline hunting expedition.

* Purrpetual: Everlasting feline love.

* Purrplex: A house with two or more cats.

* Purrson: A male kitten.

* Purrsuit: The garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

* Purrverse: A poem about a wicked kitty.

* Yawn: A cat’s honest opinion openly expressed.

Dear Dog,

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint…
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.

Best regards,

The Cat

I’ve never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat?
A: A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.

* Always lick after meals!

* Learn the difference between idleness and repose – one wastes time the other luxuriates in it.

* The three great lies of Life are:

1. The cheque is in the post.
2. All I want is one kiss.
3. It’ll be alright, just get in the travelling basket.

* Long naps never go out of fashion.

* Just say no to catnip!

* Let sleeping dogs lie – literally!

* Get your booster shots every year.

* Get to know every view from every window in your home.

* Begin each day with a long hard stretch.

* Treat yourself to a nap in the sock drawer once in a while.

* Own nothing and be owned by no one.

* Never be discouraged by the words No, Stop That or Bad Cat.

* Never purr half-heartedly.

* Don’t worry about little things.

* Don’t worry about big things.

* See how long that toilet paper around the roll really is.

* Miaow and the world Miaows with you, hiss and you hiss alone.

* Keep everybody’s secrets.

* Make friends with the milkman.

* Play and sleep in cardboard boxes.

* Help with making the bed.

* Help with making dinner.

* Regard all neatly stacked piles of paper as provocation.

* Don’t cry over spilt milk – lap it up instead.

* Make the world your scratching post.

* Never sleep alone!

and finally…

* Become someone’s friend for life.

© 2015