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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

“OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.

“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

“Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”

I heard the big owner on the radio with ways to talk about humans and still be politically correct. Well, here’s: “HOW TO TALK ABOUT CATS & STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT.”

I’m not aloof. I am Hominoidally Unimpressed.

I don’t shed. I develop Follicle Abdication.

I don’t scratch. I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don’t purr. I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent. I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I’m not small. I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat. I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep. I am temporarily inert.

I don’t chase mice. I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy. I become a Fastidious Feline.

I am not hungry. I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder.

I’m not fixed. I am Romantically Inaccessible.

The Big Owner isn’t dumb. He is a Speed Bump on the Information Superhighway.

There was this guy who was in the war and during conflict lost a very important part of his anatomy, so he decided he would never be able to get married. Then one day, while he was working at his job at the zoo as keeper of the gorillas, he met this lady and fell in love. They decided to get married, and after three months, she was pressuring him to consummate their marriage. He told her, “Tomorrow night.”

He snuck home the next day while she was out and put a gorilla in the closet. That night, they got in bed and he got up and put the gorilla in bed with his wife. He got up early the next day and took the gorilla back to the zoo.

About 3 months later, his wife told him she was pregnant. When it came time for her to have the baby, he was a nervous wreck. When the doctor came out, he said “Is it a boy or a girl?”

The doctor said, “We don’t know, we can’t get the hairy bastard down off the light!”

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?

A: Because they don’t know the words.

First sled dog in heaven: “For fourteen years I survived storms, fights with polar bears and wolves, falls into crevasses, plunges through the ice into the icy ocean…”
Second sled dog in heaven: “How did you get here?”
First sled dog in heaven: “When I was sleeping, my stupid owner ran over me with his snowmobile!”

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