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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water”.

“Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?” asks a little old lady, terrified.

“Yes, I’m afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs”.

“And if I do this, the sharks won’t eat me any more?” asks the little lady.

“Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won’t enjoy it so much”.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive
called his newly hired assistant into his office. “Do you know
what time we quit around here?” he asked.

“Sure!” the girl nervously giggled. “Whenever somebody knocks on the door.”

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Related:  Sex (+4816)      

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, “We’re Catholic so we can’t birth control.”

The next woman says, “I am too, but we use the rhythm method.”

The third woman says, “We use the bucket and saucer method.”

“What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?” the others ask.

“Well, I’m five foot eleven…and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.”

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Related:  Jewish (+6997)      

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I ‘d like to ride in that helicopter”.
Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars – and fifty dollars is fifty dollars”.
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know – fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

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Related:  Politics (+3829)      

How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they are to busy screwing the President.

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