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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32428)      

How many Italians does it take to screw in the light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in, and two to shoot the witnesses.

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Related:  Jewish (+6996)      

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, don’t ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

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Related:  Alabama (+375)      

You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
Your wife’s idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
* the Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, “What’s that smell?”
You’re a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
You won’t buy a Japanese car because you’re afraid you won’t understand what they say on the radio.
Your kids go to a private school and they won’t tell you where it is.
Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin’ contests.

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Related:  Politics (+3831), Q & A (+15910)      

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32428)      

A couple just moved into hotel. And the hotel clerk asks the
man after helping him with his luggage.

- Anything else?

- NO, thanks,

- Maybe, your wife needs something?

- Oh, yeah. Thank you for your reminder. Do you sell greeting
cards?

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