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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32428)      

I went to a dyslexic rave last night. Everyone was taking ‘F’s and there was a bloke in the corner trying to inject a heron in …

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32428)      

Notice to Northerners moving South
The following is a pre – approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Seriously.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Please stay home the two days of the year it snows. Your life depends on it.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four – wheel pick – up with a 12 – pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Well, ’cause you ain’t from here! We can tell!
Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in ‘big ol truck’ or ‘big ol boy’.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 – mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. Country ham, Country Fried Steak, Collard Greens…
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. The clothes you brought for December, your neighbors will be wearing in September. “Dang it, it sure is cold out, y’all!”
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Everyone will be there buying milk and bread. Nothing else, just milk and bread, preferably white as in Sunbeam.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. Dishes are required, after all, to get maximum access to stock car racing and fishing shows.
Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’!”, is a valid defense. Especially when directed at Yankees, all y’all! Ack!

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Related:  Jewish (+6994)      

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

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Related:  Q & A (+15909)      

Q: “So you’re writing a down-to-earth story?”
A: “Yes, about a parachute jumper.”

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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

It’s never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t as painful as kidney stones. Here’s how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.

Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

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