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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

A guy says, “I remember the first time I used alcohol as a
substitute for women.”

“Yeah what happened?” asked the other.

The first guy replies, “Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of
the bottle.”

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5690)      

So this couple had been married for about five years, and one fine summer day as they’re out working in the yard, the man tells his wife, “Woman, your butt is getting fat.”

She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The guy follows her and says, “You know that big gas grill over there. I’ll bet your butt is as big as that grill. It’s huge!”

The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard HIMSELF and she goes inside. Then the husband finds a yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, “Yup. They are both the same size.”

The wife is livid! She doesn’t speak to him the rest of the day. When the man comes to bed that night, he tries to cuddle up next to his wife and says, “Hey, honey, how ’bout it?”

She thinks for a moment and pulls away. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

She answers, “You’re crazy if you think I’m firing up that big gas grill for one little weenie.”

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

“Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass.”

“Members of Congress, I feel you’re a pain.”

“Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it — know what I’m sayin’?”

“Are you impeachin’ me? Are you impeachin’ me? You gotta be impeachin’ me cuz I’m the only President standin’ here.”

“Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!”

“I’m not under oath, am I?”

“This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people.”

“I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband…”

“Whoa! I’ve been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn’t do anything embarrassing!”

“First, I’d like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin.”

“Any of y’all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal’s phone number?”

“(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left — you can see right up her skirt!)”

“I don’t think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deferens in the face of politics..”

“I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks…”

“Acquit me, or the stock market gets it.”

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Related:  Light Bulb (+1131), Professional (+1060), Q & A (+15906)      

Q: How many Wharton MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb by myself. As you can see from my resume, I’ve had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. I’ve also been named to the Wharton Light Bulb list, and am presently a teaching assistant for Light Bulb Management 666. My only weakness is that I’m compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time.

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Related:  Bar (+1638)      

A cowboy went to the city for a little rest and relaxation. But he didn’t succeed in coping well with the complexities of city life. At midnight, he was alone in his hotel room, jerking off.

Suddenly the door was opened by a bellhop carrying a drink intended for the room next door. “Pardon me, sir,” said the flustered bellhop, “but where would you like me to sit your drink?”

“I didn’t order no drink,” retorted the cowboy, thinking fast. “Can’t you see I’m already so drunk that I’m taking advantage of me?”

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