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Related:  Animals (+5195), Bar (+1638)      

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, “What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Nothing,” the man responds, “This turtle is very fast.”

“No turtle is fast,” replied the bartender.

“Okay,” said the man, “take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.

He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room where it narrowly misses the bartender and smashes into the wall.

“Told you it would be there before your dog.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,…
“Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying…
“WHOA, hold on there sweety!” Andy interrupted.
“I haven’t added them up yet!”

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5689)      

* Call her the next day.

* Always laugh at her jokes.

* Tell her (truthfully!) that you can’t wait to see her again.

* Offer her a back rub, without asking for one in return.

* Call her just to say you were thinking about her.

* Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she’s sick.

* Write her a poem, even if it’s not very good.

* Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).

* Bring her flowers for no reason.

* Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.

* Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet, preferably chocolate.

* Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.

* Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.

* Tell her something about you that no one else knows.

* Remind her that you think she’s beautiful. Keep saying it. She’ll never get tired of this one!

* Take a bubble bath together.

* Watch a sappy movie with her.

* Surprise her with a candlelight dinner.

* Never stop trying to impress her.

* Tell her you love her.

* Never forget how much she means to you.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

This male prostitute contracted syphilis.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

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Related:  Blonde (+4662), Q & A (+15908)      

Q: Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
A: It makes them feel popular.

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