Read all jokes from: Kids (+2427)
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
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May 19, 2013 9:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Bar (+1636)
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, “What in the world happened to you, buddy?”.
The guy says, “Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore.” “Yeah?” asks the bartender. “What did she do?”
“She hit me with her bag of quarters!”.
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8:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6993)
Arnold is doing some shopping at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he meets Lionel. They haven’t seen each other for many years.
“So what are you doing with yourself these days, Lionel?” asks Arnold.
“Well,” replies Lionel, “I used to work for Rothschilds Bank but I retired last year.”
“Lucky old you,” says Arnold, “so what do you do with yourself all day?”
“I get up late each morning,” replies Lionel, “have my breakfast and then lie down on my veranda and relax. At midday, I go inside for some lunch. Then I go outside and lie on my veranda again. At the end of the day, I have dinner and drink only the finest of wines. Then I light up a good cigar. Later on, I go lie on my veranda again.”
“Wow,” says Arnold, “that sounds fantastic to me. I envy you. Please God I should make enough money to retire soon.”
When Arnold gets home, he tells his wife Naomi all about his conversation with Lionel. After hearing Arnold’s story, Naomi asks, “Did he tell you his wifes name?”
“Im not sure,” replies Arnold, “but I think its Veranda.”
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7:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Little Johnny (+648), Sex (+4815)
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it.
He says, “Hey Dad! What are you doin?”
His father says, “I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning.”
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6:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Sex (+4815)
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water
cooler at the office. “Veronica, I just don’t know what to do,” Gloria
said to her friend at work. “That good-looking Alex in accounting asked
me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?”
“Oh, my God!” her friend exclaimed. “He’ll wine you, dine you, and then
use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he’ll rip off your
dress and you’ll have fantastic s*x!”
“What should I do?” asked Gloria.
Her friend quickly replied, “Wear an old dress.”
9 views |
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5:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6993)
The matchmaker goes to visit Nathan Birnbaum, a handsome, middle-aged, bachelor, and owner of several very sucessful “Gentlemans Clubs”.
She claimed she had the perfect match for him.
“Vat do I need a vife for, I have two young sisters det look after all my all my needs.”
“Dat’s all vell and gut” she replied, “However, your sisters can’t fulfill the role of a vife.”
I said I had two sisters, I didn’t say det vere “MY” sisters
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4:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6993)
Following the death of Morris Gorski, a popular and wealthy businessman, it was discovered that a clause in his will stated that his heirs would only be entitled to get their share of his money by visiting his grave on a weekly basis. Surprisingly, The Jewish Board has agreed to put a special cash machine near his grave to allow his heirs to collect up to $750 a time when they turn up. A special debit card has been issued to 25 of Morris’s heirs which they can use at the graveside as well as being able to use elsewhere.
“When Uncle Morris said he was going to do this, we thought he was joking,” said his niece. I would have visited his grave anyway, but I guess Uncle Morris wanted to ensure that other family members got an incentive to visit him.”
According to the Board, “If the test project involving Mr Gorski proves popular, other people will get the opportunity to have cash machines near their graves. As the forward thinking Jewish group we are, we like to consider all ideas. Before Mr Gorski died, he asked us if such a special cash machine was something we would consider for him. We listened and thought it was a wonderful idea especially as he felt it was a way to encourage family members to visit him. We consulted with members of the Board who agreed that when the time came to honour Mr Gorski’s request, we would.”
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3:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6993)
Sol and Abe, both elderly, meet one day in Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
“So, how’s by you Abe?” asks Sol.
“It could be worse, Sol. I’m surviving. And what about you?” asked Abe.
Sol replied, “I’ve been ill quite a lot recently and it’s costing me a lot of money. I have no private medical insurance and in the last five months, I’ve spent over $6,000 on doctors fees and medicine.”
Abe replied, “Ach. In the old days, you could be ill for at least two years for that kind of money.”
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2:00 pm
Read all jokes from: School (+377)
Teacher: How much is half of 8
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well,up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0
15 views |
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1:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6993)
Q: What’s the name of the fairy story about an uncircumcised troll?
A: Rumpled Foreskin
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12:00 pm
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