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Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Signs on Synagogue Notice Boards • Under the same management for over 5763 years
January 27, 2012 5:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
“This year, business is so bad that not only are customers staying away in mobs but also the dress manufacturers are firing their sons-in-law.”
4:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Bernie walks into his local Chinese restaurant and is very surprised to see the owner, Mister Lee, eating gefillte fish, chopped liver and kishke.
3:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish. 2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah. 3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas. 4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. 5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. 6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper. 7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when. 8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. 9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger. 10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah. 11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot. 12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. 13. MEINSTEIN – slang. “My son, the genius.” 14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception. 15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you. 16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn. 17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor. 18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. 19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food. 20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification. 21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover. 22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours. 23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. 24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. 25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork
2:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Financial (+1217)
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “We got it! We got it!”
1:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Men (+300)
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
12:00 pm
Read all jokes from: Jewish (+6998)
Renee and Lawrence take their 4 year old daughter Talia to the OY VEH TOY STORE in Golders Green. The toy that immediately catches Talia’s eye is a beautiful pink 3 wheeler Barbie bike. She gets on it and rides around the store. One hour later, she’s still on the bike and no matter how much Renee and Lawrence beg her to get off, Talia refuses. The shop floor staff try and even Sidney the store manager tries, but to no avail. Talia won’t get off the bike and begins throwing temper tantrums. tsatskelah: cute little girl
11:00 am
Read all jokes from: Medical (+1843)
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Everytime the young nurse came in, she would say in a patronising tone, “And how are we doing this morning?!” Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went. The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it and says, “It seems we are a little cloudy today…” At this, Harry snatches the bottle out of her hand, drinks its contents, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.”
10:00 am
Read all jokes from: Medical (+1843)
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
9:00 am
Read all jokes from: Men vs. Women (+5690)
* Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand! * I say zip it – zip it good! * Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it. * Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?! * Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand! * Just Say Whoa! * The Pope does it – now *you* can, too! * Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore! * Leave It Near Beaver * Don’t think of it as less sex – think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5″ reruns. * You’ve come a long way, Baby – for nothing! * Abstinence: No f**kin’ way! * Spend a little time away from the orifice. * “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”
8:00 am |
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